stories from a strange land

Good Old-Fashioned Nightmare Fuel

2010-02-18T18:30:00.003-05:00

So have you ever had a nightmare about school. Like one where you signed up for a class and totally forgot about it until the final, and you show up at the final and don't know anything on it? And its like 12 pages long, all essay questions? In Chinese?

It happened to me....

I went to class last night, all casual like. I had taken a midterm earlier in the day and had studied super hard for it, and was taking a break from the studying i had to tackle for my Friday midterm. So i stroll into class, take out my computer because i feel like just taking it easy the 10 minutes before class starts and decide to check my e-mail. There are several e-mails pertaining to that evening's class. The mention words like "good luck tomorrow" and "can i borrow notes for the exam" and "tomorrow's exam". And by this time, tomorrow was today. Right then. I had 10 minutes to prepare for this exam, which up until then i had been completely ignorant to. Its not a usual thing for me to drop the ball like that. Completely forget that i had an exam. We had to write a paper and i was under the impression that THAT was the midterm assignment. After all, our professor is so lackadaisical that her e-mails look like they are typed by kindergardeners with tourettes, and she makes us alphabetize our hand in assignments. She also wears flip flops in class - really? It's february. Get with it.

Anyway

So i did it i sat down and for two hours and extracted as much of what i could remember from the class as i could. I was frequently reminded of the image of scientists boiling down massive amounts of material to glean the precious extract.

And i did NOT throw up into my backpack.

Or hyperventilate and pass out.

I actually think i did pretty well.

So now i can check two of my worst "fears" off my "biggest fears in life list:

shaving my head

surprise exams

Still to go:

wrestle a shark

become impregnated by the anti-christ

work in an office

An Armistice Out Of A Span Of Years

2010-02-15T23:22:00.002-05:00

So i think i blew a fuse or something and i just can't study anymore today. I've read and copied and beat my notes to death and i just need a break. So i am at school, looking at pictures on my computer. In particular i am looking at my pictures from this summer- well summer that has just past. The album starts in april, i think. It homefree on the first nice day. We were all out side in shorts and tee shirts, but there were no leaves on the trees. The boys had no shirts on. April 17, 2009. The beginning of summer. I remember taking the pictures. I remember laying in the yard. The smell of the grass. Spelling out 'fistfight' on Andrew's back in duct tape. Aitch teaching me to DJ.

Valentine's Day Massacre (almost)

2010-02-14T23:08:00.003-05:00

It is Valentines for one more hour. But what does this holiday mean anyway? Today i tried to buy a tiny box of Russel Stover assorted chocolates and a tube of lube (happy valentine's daaaaaay!). We got to the counter and there was no price tag on the box of chocolates. It, unfortunately, was the last one, and the shelf i found it on was so decimated by the Valentine's Day massacre of candy hunting that i couldn't find the price tag. It culminated in a 25 minute ordeal at the checkout in the Pharmaprix that resulted in us just saying "UGGGGHHHHHGG fuck this. The liquor store is about to close. We gotta go." And then the girl at the counter was all "oh-just find the tag." So i go looking for the price tag for this stupid box of little cheap chocolates and just rip off any old tag because the line is HUGE now and she says "oh i have to check with the floor manager" SERIOUSLY this box of chocolates is probably worth about 5 dollars and it is 7 pm on valentines day, just give us a fucking break. But no. The manager comes over and is all "well, its opened and you've been standing here for about 15 minutes so i'll give it to you for $5 because REALLY this is worth like $10." NO. No it is not worth $10 it is a teeny box of fucking cheap-ass chocolates so just punch in $4.99 into the cash register and let's get the fuck out of here. We just left. Ant then the liquor store was closed. But we eventually found one that was open and .....

Nate: so that's what happened. the candy we bought before that because we were impatient turned out to be stale. Instead we gave up on candy all together and bought derrty rum. Right now we're wasted studying. Everything is awesome! I love erin and she is the fucking goo-reatest thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life. And i've smoked crack so that's saying a lot!

erin: Thanks buddy. I love you too.

Scabs and Habs and a Pint of Whiskey

2010-02-03T18:23:00.003-05:00

So i am having my month-aversary here in Montreal. And what a month it has been. All the time i spent in the states, all the uncertainty, all the anger and frustration has been washed away. It seems like it was all a bad dream. I love school. I am learning so much and actually putting in work! Tonnes and tonnes of work! Back in the day, i would buy the course pack, do the first reading, and then as the weeks went on i would completely ignore it. Or try to get away with reading it on the subway on the way to school. They would end the year looking brand new. I now have this course pack that is like 400 pages long. And i actually READ it. Not just read it. Read it, highlight, take notes and re-read it. I have never really done anything that i felt proud of myself for, until now. And its pretty awesome. And knowing that i am working at my full capacity just inspires me to work even harder. YEEEEEEAAHHHHH I FEEL GREEEEEEEAAATT.

However i have some beef with one of my teachers. Just a little beef. Like lunch meat beef. We were talking about the incest taboo and why it is so taboo to bang your relatives. Science dictates that when gametes (sex cells) share too many alleles (the parts of DNA that make up the rungs of the ladder)they will begin to weaken and break down. This most often results in genetic mutation (which is normal, actually you probably have a ton of mutant genes you don't even know about). Also, the repetition of similar genetics interbreeding causes recessive genes to become more prevalent. Like how the Windsor family was all inbred so they were all hemophiliacs. So we were talking about incest and my teacher said something like "well, there is some belief that incest breeds genetic mutation but that is bunk..." and i was all "say WHHAAAAAAT?" So now i am doing some extra curricular work to prove that inbreeding will produce stubby-legged retard babies with giant heads. SCIENCE! I am in love....

So last night i went to school to study. I did math with Nate had beers, read about structural adjustment policy, had more beer, read about the international debt crisis, drank whiskey, read about the failings and successes of international development projects, drank more whiskey, read about neo-liberalism., and some how REMEMBER IT ALL. I have mastered drunk studying! Its incredible. I feel like some sort of super hero....or if i could somehow use this technique to make money. That's my next project-finding a job. My french is not super great, but its pretty cute and charming so maybe i could be a bartender. that seems like my best bet. i want to work in a bar where i get to wear costumes and wigs and make piles of money. I have a good feeling about this.....

Say My Name Bitches! A Whip A Crack'a!

2010-01-26T21:05:00.002-05:00

That is what i say to my books. To imply that i have been hitting the books so hard they are begging me for mercy. Getting the chance to do it all over again, i really see the value in keeping up on my work, and it feels pretty good! Its kind of like obstacle course training, and i'm determined to win.

Don't worry, my Officer McBrainerBender study sessions are punctuated by drinking beer and getting ridiculous. So, at least i've kept that intact. And i really think it is the "know when to hold'em know when to fold'em cut yourself off when you know you have Intro to Cultural Anthropology at 10am" training that is making this tour of duty through the wilds of university so successful.

So that part is good. But sometimes things aren't so great...

Like yesterday.

It felt like turning around and having the past few weeks snap up like a rubber band behind me and hit me square in the eye.

And the eyes watered a bit.

I'm cresting the wave of newness. Of 'oh i am in a different city and everything is a first time and shiny and new and....wooooooow'. Cresting the wave, looking down and seeing the faces of my friends. I am home sick.

I have a house here, yes. And i do love it. but it takes time to make a home.

I've started a life here, yes. And i love that too. But it takes time to break it in, and feel comfortable in it.

I've started to make friends, but sometimes you just want to see a familiar face.

And hear a familiar voice.

And smile a familiar smile.

I think what i am trying to describe here is a pristine nostalgia.

Where the past wasn't so long ago that it becomes an old-photo memory, but far enough away to miss it.

I know this will pass, little by little, day by day. Like the melting of the snow as we march forward on to spring. Rebirth. Starting over.

But this, too, is bittersweet.

I miss my toronto family.

See you in your dreams.

From Your Reporter In The Field.....

2010-01-21T20:10:00.002-05:00

OK ok ok ok-i have to apologize for my lack of blog entries. And for the over-all lack of my on-line presence. I only have internet at school so when it occurs to me to bring my computer to school, i can do things on it. Honestly, i am in no rush to get the internet at my house. I think it would only distract me and i'm trying (and actually SUCCEEDING) to be a responsible student. I do all the class reading, make notes, do more reading, make more notes, got to class, STAY AWAKE IN CLASS (which is a new thing for me) and even, sometimes participate in class (also unheard of on planet e in the past). So i'm pretty happy. Anthropology is a lot different than going to school for fine arts. Its a soft science, but its ok. I'm studying a lot of cultural anthropology which is mainly the customs, tradition and every day way of life of people, and why they do what they do. I've been learning a lot about globalization and development too, which is pretty interesting, but makes me hate myself for being american because basically we fucked up the world.

I love history, and i think statistics might be my favourite class. I KNOW! I was shocked too - math? my favourite? Next i'll tell you about how i am giving up beer and eating a big juicy burger. NOway, i shouldn't even joke about that.

I love beer.

I'm finding my way around the city pretty well. I'm making a life here. I have a regular grocery store that i go to. A laundry mat where they recognize me. People have stopped talking to me in english when i answer them in french. I haven't gotten lost in a school building this week. I make plans to go out to places i've never been or even heard of. Sometimes its kind of scary, and i hive myself mad high fives when i find my way back home from points unknown, drunk with all of my belongings.

And in some ways, its kind of fun to start from scratch. I was thinking about giving myself a total over haul. Like my look, personality, habits-the woiks. I was going to try and tone it down. Dress nice. Be quiet.

Change of plans.

I met this guy and he's basically the guy version of me, the old me. The me i really really liked.

So i put my nose ring back in and hung up my ancient, huge Dead Kennedys poster. I'm back to being my old punk rock self again. And i gotta say, it feels great.

For a while i felt like i was trying to hard to tone it down. To be more lady like and 'pretty'. To fit the image of the person i was with, because i think i kind of scared him. You know- when you're with someone sometimes you tailor yourself to fit what you think they would like more. I've been doing that for way to long.

I mean yes, i can bee nice and sweet and loving and all that junk. But i am not quiet. I will not sit down. I will not stand for bullshit.

I am a punk rocker and i'll fuck your shit up if you mess with me.

It feels good to be back.

No mohawk this time, though. I kind of really love having hair.

Bonjour!

2010-01-14T20:12:00.002-05:00

I made it! I'm on the proverbial "other side".....made it through my ring of fire. Montreal has been kind to me.

I live in the Parkdale of Montreal. On my third or fourth day here i came home to find a multitude of police vehicles parked in front of my building. Instead of the usual response of "Oh no! What happened?" I thought "ahhhhhh. Just like home"

School is good, but i have to say, i really miss the Winters community. I went to a few orientation-type events here and i was longing for some "let me see you screw your neighbor......"

But classes are good. A lot of idealistic youth who think that their ideas on globalization and social development in the (perceived) 'third world' are GROUNDBREAKING and need to be heard and recognized and applauded IMMEDIATELY. But, i was there, once, many moons ago. So i know that it is possible for them to grow out of it. One can only hope.

But yeah. Montreal is great. I haven't gotten hit by a car. I acclimated myself to -20 temperatures. I made the attempt to meet people and be social.....and socially appropriate. But not always. I love school, but i really hate the students. Its such a fashion show here! HI-rarious. I just try to dress like a scary hesher/punk rock bitch who will fuck your shit up. AND that's how i make friends.

But i miss Toronto in a big way. I feel like my last trip was such a blur, traveling all over the skin of the world, trying to see everyone and tell them how much i love them. And how much their friendship means to me. And give the city a big hug.

But i am making faces at the computer as i type this, and the other people in the student lounge think i have tourettes. Which is fun, maybe i'll bark out a few expletives just for good measure. HEY! Maybe i'll get disabled student status and can get a pass on my midterms.....

The Great American Adventure : The Last Chapter

2009-12-26T01:10:00.002-05:00

Christmas day-my last day in Virginia. The great American adventure comes to a close. Tomorrow (well, today, technically - it's 1:15 in the morning) my mom, step dad and i drive up to Buffalo, i will spend the day with my dad. On the 27th i head up to Toronto, taking the bus from Niagara Falls really early in the morning, getting into Toronto around 10 am. The fun fun fun until i leave for Montreal on the 29th.

Before it felt like i was struggling up-hill and now it feels like i'm sliding down, scrambling for purchase. Every once in a while, over the past few days, i would size up in ... terror? No, that's not it. More like "oh shit- what am i doing? Why this? Did i make the right choice? Will i survive this? (Which i'm sure i will-i'm always fine) What am i doing?" Just the usual questions you ask yourself before uprooting your entire life and starting over. All over. Again.

But i still miss the summer. My summer life. Everything was easier. I just kind of miss the ease of life, considering how crazy everything is now. And the sunshine. And my bike. And my friends.

I met my brother-in-law for the first time during Christmas dinner. He seems pretty ok. He takes good care of my sister, so that's pretty good in my book. They are really happy together, so i am happy for them. HOWEVER i was denied a seat at the adult table during our big Christmas day dinner because i'm not married. So i sat at the kid table. I'm the shortest anyway, and my cousins are pretty cool so it was all right.

And there was lots of wine.

SO back to the end of the America experiment.

The things i have learned during this most interesting and informative delve into western culture:

1) America has more flavours of sugar-free jell-o

2) People think it's weird if you actually want to walk somewhere. "So you don't have a car, or....you like to walk? I don't get it"

3) Salad isn't really considered a 'meal' more like a colour additive to complement a piece of meat the size of my head.

4) Fox News is still king

5) If you put chocolate on it, they will eat it.

I'm sure there is more, but i am so tired right now. I worked myself to pass-out level every day over the past two weeks. Running running running but still trying to take one step at a time.

Juggling chain saws on fire while walking a tight rope and smiling the whole time.

Toronto, and my most treasured friends- i can't wait to see you. That is what is keeping me going, my light at the end of the tunnel. I can't wait to see all of your faces. And i'll be smiling just to see you smiling back at me. Its been tough, but you guys helped me through. Just knowing that you are there, thinking of me, cheering me on, and waiting for me to come back.

Little e: 1

Life obstacles: 0

I win.

See you all soon - i can hardly wait.

I love you guys.

Only In America

2009-12-14T13:08:00.001-05:00

I guess everything SHOULD tate like bacon

Thank You 'Texts From Last Night'...Because i Don't Have A Cell Phone

2009-12-14T00:26:00.000-05:00

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

Punch Drunk

2009-12-14T00:09:00.002-05:00

Have you ever just felt like lashing out at the people closest to you? Like your personality splits and you can see a more vicious version of yourself leaping on them. Straight for the jugular. Or the eyes. Or just punching in the face. To hear that noise. Like raw meat. The flow of endorphins. The ecstasy of release. Finally letting go of your anger. Taking the black cloud growing inside of you and turning it into something real.

A punch in the face.

I can't deal with chronic complainers. With laziness. With egoism that goes beyond healthy self confidence and crosses over into "you are in danger of me killing you" arena. I can't deal with these stupid wrist braces and the idea that i might not be able to draw anymore. I can't deal with the idea of chronic pain in my hands. Because my hands are my most valued possessions.

They make things. And without making things. Without doing. I can not survive.

I haven't been in a fight in a while, but there is a chance i smell one coming on the wind.

My brother ought to watch himself, because he is getting on my last damn nerve.

Family are the worst room mates ever.

And One More Thing....

2009-12-12T20:30:00.003-05:00

It is only 8:30 at night on a Saturday. And i am sitting in the dark in my room listening to music and my 'home memory' is waiting for the subway at Lansdowne station. Yellow tiles. Blue letters. Going east i always stood all the way towards the end of the platform.

i miss it.

And p.s. to anyone who takes the subway if you cover up the 'Duff' of Dufferin station, you get 'erin'. I always used to do that and pretend it was my own station. So if you pass Duff'erin' Station...

think of me.

I love you, Toronto.

True.Say.

2009-12-12T19:48:00.004-05:00

So i admit that i have been drinking. Pretty much since i have gotten home from work at 5pm. Well, let's be honest. I've been drinking pretty steadily since July. I thought i would dry out here. But i gave up drinking for a week and realized just how repressed ad uninteresting my life is here. i got home form work and immediately it was all about getting dressed and going to dinner. So i could listen to my sister prattle on about her baby and her 'g-diapers' to which i asked

"so are they hooked up to the internet or something?"

the joke was totally lost on my family. Apparently g-diapers are like rubber pants with disposable liners. But really, who cares.

Remember when women used to smoke and work in steel mills and STILL have babies that SOMEHOW managed to survive and lead normal lives? Jesus, its like there are innocuous plastics and uncooked egg whites lurking around every corner just waiting to poison your unborn children.

You need to chill out.

My sister refused to eat caesar dressing on a salad because she read in a book that "pregnant woman shouldn't eat caesar dressing because sometimes it is made with raw eggs". I tried to explain to her that restaurants are so anal about people suing them for stupid stuff that no raw animal by-products would go into their food.

She didn't believe me.

Because the book said so.

I move soon. Very soon. It all seems like a dream, yet i have become comfortable. I have forgotten what it is like to be on my own. I mean, i'm sure its like riding a bike and once i am in my own house, alone, being on my own, it will be fine.

But at this point it almost feels like being independent was a dream.

I don't remember what it feels like.

But i am so close.

Its about two weeks until i come back.

Facebook Posts i Would Never Write....

2009-12-09T21:33:00.002-05:00

Little Erin

"would like to know if you would like to come over for some Combos®, wine and sex"

"had to give up masturbation due to a work-related injury"

"is returning to you a scarred, bruised, and a little harder"

"is ready to knock it out of the park"

"wonders if 'coffee and bullshit' has a masters program. or why not dream big and go for the PhD?"

I Like To Move It Move It

2009-12-07T19:05:00.002-05:00

AGGGHHHHHH i keep packing and unpacking all of my belongings because i am so anxious to move already. The waiting is the worst. Last time, when i moved from Toronto to Virginia, i resisted, i pulled back. Now it is the opposite-i am chomping at the proverbial bit to get going. Get cranking. Get a move on.

And i've made a conscious decision to not stress about things anymore because it gives you wrinkles. So now i'm just excited. Even if things don't work exactly as planned, i am excited for adventure. And starting over again.

The Science of Time, Space, and Where Things Go When You Look For Them

2009-12-04T23:37:00.002-05:00

Today i turned twenty seven years old. Is it a bad thing to say that i am amazed that i made it this far? There was a time when i honestly thoght i wouldn't. I had been living like death was around every corner. But not in a frightened way, more like an observational way. I can asses my current situation, what ever it may be, and consider every possible outcome. One out come is always death. Because it happens to everyone at one point or another and some systems of demise are more sudden/unexpected/bizarre/creative than others. So every day i wonder "am i going to die" and then think about how interesting it would be. And what is it like not in the seconds you lay dying, but the hours leading up to it. Do you know, innately, that it is approaching? Do you feel a tingling sensation on the back of your neck? Do you have a sudden clarity of everything around you, experiencing a sort of consciousness super nova where the curtains lift, the clouds part and you see your self not as yourself alone, but how you relate to everything in the world. Do you make peace with your end? And is it really the end? I look back at the things i remember so clearly and wonder how it all fits in the 3 pounds of fatty tissue that is the brain. I remember so much, so clearly, its amazing that i haven't blown a fuse yet. And i still wonder where that eyeliner pencil went the day i dropped it and never ever saw it again. I wonder how it happens that when you look and look and look for something, you can't find it. But the second you stop looking, it is in the middle of the floor. I wonder how it is that i feel like i have lived at least 5 life times in the past eight years. I wonder how it is that i have been so many different people, in so many different places, and have still been myself. The more facets a gem has, the more valuable it is. The more it sparkles. Is the same true of myself? Do the amount of experiences, of living lives that don't over-write each other, but add to each other, make me a most precious gem? Or just a house of mirrors? Either way, i wouldn't trade the life i have led for anything. I've seen a lot. I've felt a lot. I've done a lot. Some times i feel to young to be this old.

Most times i feel to old to be this young.

All In The Family

2009-12-01T19:53:00.003-05:00

Little Erin

"is emphatically not ok"

"feels like she is being stabbed in the heart over and over again"

"never considered 'do not resuscitate' the 3 sweetest words in the english language-until now"

"can't believe you're letting her get away"

Can i tell you a story? Its funny in a sad, painful, Arrested Development sort of way.

My family and i have been planning my younger sister's wedding. It is in August. I have been informed that i have been paired with the groomsman who has "a nice personality" because he is the shortest.

Don't get me wrong, i am happy for her and everything, no doubt. But i am a teeny tiny bit jealous. It would be nice if someone would love me. I feel really heart-sick lonely, lately. And (i'm sorry if you read this) but the last boyfriend didn't really count since i spent more time being his mother and his nurse than i did being his lady.

ANyway.

So my family feels kind of bad about this, and they worry about me being alone and - oh - i should preface this with the fact that my step dad has started drinking a lot more than usual. A lot, in general. And on this particular evening, he thought it would be a good idea to set me up with my second cousin, since he is only a year younger than me. And according to him "we aren't technically related" which was quickly followed up by "and he just got back from Iraq. I think you would be good for him"

I have yet to decide wether this is an all-time-low for him

or me,

because for about 5 minutes i was actually desperate enough to consider the idea as plausible.

i need to get out of here

How Would They Know?

2009-11-30T02:16:00.002-05:00

At work we have this microwave. It has got to be about 15 years old. I can't really tell, its up on a really high shelf and i have to really stretch to put stuff in it. But this microwave has pre programmed increments of time and each button also has braille on it. Which is really very p.c considering that it was most likely made in a time when a pat on the butt meant 'good job' and blindness was seen as a symptom of over-masturbating.

This microwave, however, doesn't beep when the time is up.

So these poor blind people can heat up their food - but have NO IDEA when it is done. Sure, they could count, but that's not the point. How would the know? HOW WOULD THEY KNOOOOOOOOW?

Poor, starving blindies.

Work is ok, otherwise. I still spend most of the day covered in food. My boss started calling me 'crime scene'. This started the day before Thanksgiving, when i aided and abetted in the production of 104 pumpkin pies. I was making huge quantities of filling and got it all over myself. My boss looks at me and says "you look like a freakin' crime scene". It looked like i got in a fight with a pumpkin. And brutally slashed it to death. I Jack the Rippered pumpkins.

Sleigh Bells Ring - Are You Listening?

2009-11-28T19:05:00.002-05:00

It is 7:06 p.m on a saturday, November 28. Its almost December. What happened? Oh yeah, i was at work. Anyway. I just used a bottle of Jim Beam Kentucky Rye to crush up candy canes for holiday baking. HEY! its hard to crush candy canes and not have them fly all over the place. I had to put them in an aluminum pie plate and everything. Intense operation. Effective. Obviously i'm drinking the rye as well. Baking and drinking. Actually i realized that baking has become such a second nature to me that i can dance and get drunk and sing along to LCD Soundsystem and still turn out some stellar stuff. I stopped paying attention to what i'm doing and ended up with half my Christmas smorgasbord of goodies. Its almost Christmas. I can't believe it. I remember waking up on July 4th the morning after my going away party thinking "i wonder what i'll be doing in 5 months?" Well here it is. It all happened so fast. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in waiting for what's coming up over the hill, that we forget how fast the time goes by. I can't believe its been almost 5 months since i've moved. Which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't really that long.

But think of what has changed.

We've all started new lives. In new places. With new faces and sounds and smells.

Started over again.

In 30 days i start over again. Again.

f.m.l.

2009-11-23T20:05:00.001-05:00

seriously. fuck this shit. thank you red wine for making me not go completely crazy. i salute you.

anyone for bowling?

Seventeen And Coming Clean For The First Time...

2009-11-23T07:30:00.003-05:00

Ok ok ok i'm not seventeen. I'm twenty seven. but the point remains. I'm coming clean. Because who the fuck cares? This is my blog and i'm just going to lay like parquet. Between eleven o'clock on sunday november 22nd and 7am on november 23rd i have consumed and an one half bottles of wine. Its not something i planned it just happened. And i am mystified as to where i put it all. I'm really not very big. I think most of it has been absorbed by my frustration and rage. At the world. At my world. The world i have been forced to face. I have no friends to air my grievances or worries about moving (twice. in one year. between two countries, none the less) no one to relax with i just long for a friend with whom to get a beer and have a smoke with and maybe feel not so alone in all of this. The feeling of isolation, and feeling forced upon myself got best friend and confidant is more than i can handle. Because i don't even know if i like myself all that much. I am shallow and contrived-but then again aren't we all? Isn't that the bit which makes us human, and not just figures of science, blobs of blood and bone? that grain of self awareness that allows us to be conscious of our actions and out effects on others, that lobe that tells us what we are doing, though it may feel just at the time, is hurtful. If we did not have the power to hurt each other would we ever feel love? Since pure love is the opposite of hurt and pain. And without one we would be unconscious of the other. So in order to feel pure love of one, we would to suffer the pain of another. Who did not love. Who allows their pride and place to overthrow the balance.

So what is love?

What is not-love?

I couldn't say

but whatever it was of 'love' that i knew before i miss dearly.

right about now, i would pay three days' wages to have person who moderately resembles a male to hold my hand.

i am pathetic. let us not ever talk about it again

Shiver Me Timbers

2009-11-21T00:33:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night about my Sterling road apartment. I was moving out and could only take with me what i could carry. I kept grabbing things that were important to me. Keepsakes. I had to put all of my furniture outside and there were people coming in saying that i had to get out because they lived there now. I called my dad to help me but he said he couldn't because my brother had a basketball game. I took as much as i could, but had to leave so many things behind. I woke up feeling sad. And lost. Adrift.

I think it was a metaphor for my life.

I was so excited about my new apartment in Montreal, but now i'm not so sure. I haven't heard from the rental office, and i haven't signed a lease or anything. I mean, they have my first and last months' rent. They have my money. But still. I have this fear that i'm going to get there and they say "oh we're sorry. You didn't get back to us in time, we rented to someone else" and then i'll have to rent a storage unit for all the stuff i dragged up there. And live in it. Hey! Maybe i can rent a really big one and throw parties in it. So i guess it isn't all bad.

I just hate not knowing what's going on.

I feel i have been neglecting my writings here, but to be honest, nothing that interesting has been going on. I settled into work. I bake and bake and bake. Thanksgiving is coming up, so i just make pies all day. There is this one person at work who is...well. Ok, you know when you watch a movie and there is a character who is just so irritating and clueless that you say to yourself "how can this be? can a person that ridiculous even exist?" The answer is yes. Its one of those things that i'll have to tell you about in person though, because i can't even describe it here. I could probably turn it into a painfully hilarious one woman show. I think i will, and then have dinner theatre parties at my new house (storage unit)and make people uncomfortable all night long.

The count is on - one month and eight days until i am back in Toronto, packing myself up again and driving into Montreal to start again. Before i felt like it would take forever to get here, and now it is almost upon me. I will be back before you or i know it.

And time marches on. And on and on and on.

Shiver me timbers, i'm sailing away.

Public Service Announcements

2009-11-14T01:42:00.002-05:00

There are two. As follows.

>ahem<

{insert feedback noise here}

1. Birthday this year is cancelled. Der. i work in a restaurant and its thanksgiving/christmas. Basically i work everyday until i move. I promise to try harder next year.

2. I really really really really really miss my friends. Every single one of them. I always want to pick up the phone and call just to say

"hey buddy"

but i realize that i have an irrational fear of telephone conversation. Like i'll call and then have nothing to say. But i know that isn't true. I get sort of jealous when i do my fraceball/blog stalking (yeah. i do that. so what?) and read the messages about how "it was so nice to spend time with you" and "i love bumping into you on the street! it made my day!" or just "thanks for the chat, i needed it". I want to chat and bump, too!

I just want it to be known that i am always thinking of those close to me (you guys) and lending my love and well wishes with every breath and every blink. I can't wait to be near you all again and see your faces. have a drink and a smoke and hug and laugh and make silly voices and cook and dance and play video games and take pictures of ourselves and talk about everything and talk about nothing and maybe just sit around saying nothing at all

enjoying each others' presence.

all my love

Take That Eratosthenes

2009-11-14T01:06:00.003-05:00

You may have proved that the earth is 'round' with 'science' and 'math' or whatever witch craft was used in ancient Greece. But i think i have fallen off the edge. Just a little. Just a smidge.

Did you ever wake up and feel like you have woken up....somewhere else? Like in a place that looks exactly like your bed, in your room, in your house, in your town - but its not somehow? Like an imitation. Or another version of what you have been perceiving as your reality for however long you have been to wake up and suddenly feel off. Maybe i am in Verginia and not Virginia.

What leads me to this somewhat flimsy and totally irrational (but not entirely impossible, i suppose. i mean, how much can we really know about alternate universes and the deep inner workings of that spongy thing we have sloshing about inside our cranium) idea is that i have an odd string of occurrences coupled with some really strange dreams. I could call them coincidences, if i believed in coincidences, but i don't so i won't.

THE POINT IS

yes lets get on with it here.

The point is that i think i should up date my blog more. I should get out of the house to do more than go to work and go to the grocery store. And i really think i ought to call my friends more. I feel that a big part of this dissociative feeling has to do with jumping between lives. In Virginia for a while, talking to no one being 'americerin' and than going to Toronto or Montreal and being how i feel most natural. But my time in these other places, so drastically different from my current domestic situation are so brief i am left with the feeling.....

"wait. did that just happen? i remember feeling normal and not so 'fish-out-of-watery' for a second. but i am here in my parents' basement. i think i remember getting on a plane....."

its getting confusing.

UP NEXT: your local good e news updates at 1:30am.

{because i don't think they should be involved in this crazy-person post}

Tristesse/Joie

2009-11-04T22:12:00.002-05:00

As i write this i am sitting in my friend's apartment in Montreal. I have been to academic advising and confused the bloody hell out of them. "so you have a B.A."

"well yes...but it isn't getting me anywhere. That's why i need another one"

I have been exploring the neighborhoods. Which is great, since i have only seen one street of Montreal, covered in snow, stumbling around drunkenly in a haze. And i love it. Looking for a place to live. To make into my own maison libre.

But i find myself screaming into my own head "what is going on?! how are you going to pull this off?!" I guess its just one foot in front of the other. Breather in, breather out. C'mon faye get the lead out. I think i'll have another drink before i conquer tomorrow's adventure.

Oh And This Is Mildly Hilarious

2009-11-02T11:26:00.002-05:00

http://freedomtray.com/index.html

They act like they invented the effing t.v. tray. Just because you put a flag on it doesn't mean its some new, revolutionary product.

And that lady has an accent. I don't think she's american.

Where Is My Mind

2009-11-02T11:09:00.002-05:00

Ok ok ok what happened to October? I had it here just a minute ago. I set it down and turned around for barely a second and poof! It seems to have disappeared. So no we are on to November. And i'm starting to get nervous. 2 months to get everything together and uproot my life. Again. But its different this time. I'm excited, looking toward the future. But apprehensive about starting over in a new city, i mean, i'm so used to knowing my way around, having regular 'spots', knowing people. Knowing places. However now i have the opportunity to re-invent myself if i choose. I could be a total bitch. Actually, i don't even think i could do that. I like being nice too much. But it is kind of like being given a clean slate, an alter ego order form i can just fill in however i choose.

Today i leave for Montreal. I have to go and do academic advising, choose classes, pay tuition and find an apartment. I can't say for sure if i'm nervous or not, because i feel confidant about finding an apartment. And feeling confidant is a pretty foreign feeling for me, so i have no idea what's going on. I kind of feel like everything is side ways. Not quite here, not quite gone. Plotting my move- renting a truck, moving on new years. Moving twice in a year, across countries and life styles is a lot for anyone to handle. Starting school all over again. Memorizing a new subway system. Exploring the city. Finding a new job. Working like a maniac until christmas at the bakery. My sister is having a baby and getting married. I will be speaking a different language. Change rolling over me a freight train. I can take it. But do me a favor maybe? Just keep me in your thoughts-a nice new place in Montreal means a luxurious hide away you can come and visit me at. I will make you cupcakes and we will have dance parties. How do i get from the airport to downtown? I'm stumbling around in the dark. But i kind of like it. Exciting. Nervous. And yes. You can have my stuff.

Now Its Personal.....

2009-10-26T12:51:00.002-04:00

I can't help but watch television here because a)we have over 500 channels. Including Syfy, The Crime Channel, National Geographic, and tonnes of movie channels (i am watching The Shining right now) And b)since i am technically the 'house magnager' on my days off, i have to stay around the house answering the phone, taking messages, signing for packages and stuff like that, so i put television on in the background. But back to the heart of this story. And it is sort of about the heart. My heart. There are commercials for eHarmony ever 15 minutes, sandwiched between the advertisements for cars, boner pills, diabetes, and other television services. And of course, i am curious. So these people who sign up for eHarmony don't have time to go out and find a companion, but they have time to build a lasting committed relationship, and then make a commercial about it? I am skeptical e. So i go on the site. Www.eharmony.com. Let's fill out the questionnaire. I am watching Sudden Death starring Jean-Claude VanDamme and my mom is asking me every 5 minutes

"wait-who is that guy? what's happening? did he just shoot him?"

Yes mom. I don't know. I wasn't watching. I'm filling out an eHarmony survey.

"You're doing what?"

So i let her in on the action. The survey is long and asks you about every aspect of your personality. Stuff i haven't even thought of.

"Mom. Would you say i'm sensuous?"

It asks you if physical attraction is important to you. Anyone who answers anything but yes to some degree is lying. Because physical attraction is our most base instinct. That is how we attract our mates. We look for the one who looks like us. Physical attraction is all very narcissistic, yet vital to the propagation of our species. Its all very scientific. But eHermony just asks me to fill in a bubble: very important...semi-important...not important at all. And talking to the computer screen doesn't help any. The survey asks if i am generous, cold, intelligent, insecure. If i am very...sort of...not at all pleased with my success level in my professional life. If i am a strongly sexual person. If i find myself very...sort of...not at all attractive.

"mom, am i attractive?"

"to whom?"

"um. i don't know. the people at eHarmony"

"you're....unique."

"they don't have a bubble choice for unique"

How can this be the way to a lasting relationship? I could lie. But somehow i feel like these questions force you to compartmentalize your emotional traits. To represent the most intimate inner workings of your heart into very...somewhat...not at all. Or maybe it just works with people who are one-dimensional and 'normal'. Who can describe themselves to the potential love of their life in a 12 page internet survey that asks you to rate your own sensuality. Isn't that kind of determined on an inter-personal case by case basis. I mean, even i can be pretty sensual when properly motivated, but i certainly don't roam the streets purring into the ears of unsuspecting males and flouting my soft and curvy bits all over the place.

I continue to fill out the survey. I am on page 8. 73% of the way through. I quit. I don't even put this much effort into meeting people in real, actual life. And also, i feel that this survey, like other questionnaires i fill out in the pursuit of information, will give me the same result i have become accustomed to:

"Sorry no matches in your area. Please check your information and try again"

And for once...i would more than welcome that response. Because i am pretty confidant that i am way too much to handle for someone who can describe their relationship qualities in very...somewhat...not at all form.

Also watching "the Shining" on amc is no fun-they blur out all the nudity and gross parts.

It's A Long December

2009-10-22T21:03:00.002-04:00

OK ok. I know that technically December is a long way off, but this post concerns said month in question. I have just returned from a marvelous weekend rippin' it hardcore in the T.O. Shout Out Out Out Out-ing two nights in row, dancing like an asshole all over the place, tying up loose ends in my grown-up life (i.e. bills, storage, all that crap), dinner party-ing. I also had the privilege to see everyone's new places of residence. Amazing. This endeavor took a lot of coffee, transit rides, and walking endurance. I have to admit, by the time sunday rolled around, i was completely exhausted. I wish i would've gotten to spend more quality time with everyone, it all went by so fast. And i have to be honest, it took me until sunday to get used to being around people again. After not talking to people who understand me for so long here, i just kind of stopped talking all together. It took me a bit to get back on the train, is what i'm getting at here.

But let's get down to the brass tacks here.

My birthday has been historically awful over the past few years. I won't get into details, because that is the past, but those who know know. You have shared your homes with me this past weekend and i would like to do the same. So if anyone is saying "gee it's early december and i feel like i need to get out of this boring city" well i have the solution for you! You should come road trip to my house! I can offer a stay at my lake house (photo included) where i will make delicious meals for you! AND because it really doesn't get too too cold here, we can have bonfires and sit around them making 'smores and drinking crappy american beer. Also, you don't have to worry about hitting any bad weather on the drive because it only gets better as you drive south. I know, i know, its a lot to ask, but if you need a vacation and feel like taking a road trip, this could be your ideal destination.

Thus concludes my announcement and attempt at travel agent/saleslady-ness.

But seriously, although it was breif, i had a great weekend eveyerone, thank you thank you thank you a million times. I love you guys.

The Food Monsters At Work

2009-10-06T22:13:00.005-04:00

Sometimes the food comes alive. And then i ambush it with my camera.

(this is what three pounds of butter looks like)

Sometimes We Are Our Own Ghosts

2009-10-05T20:11:00.002-04:00

"I awoke to the catipultion of myself through both time, space, and as i recall, tarred roofing."

This is the beginning of a short essay written by one of my best friends in the whole world. He is dead now. But that is a whole other story that i will have to get into at some other time. Perhaps when we are face to face and i can explain it better.

But back to my beginning. He wrote me a series of short essays that deal with feeling out of place in a place where you are supposedly supposed to belong. Or about catapulting through he dimensions of realities we construct within ourselves and how we can think ourselves into circles. Or would it be better explained as we are snakes eating our own tails, desperately seeking the ends or our means and a means to our ends. One is about a being created only to be hidden away in disgust, who is thought not to have any self perception but perceives everything.

I read these and read these and read these and i can hear his voice reading them to me. I don't know why, but although i received these essays a few years ago, my understanding of them only grows. they say so much, it is almost like i am just catching up now. Like somehow he knew that i would eventually catch up. Or, i think i would be more appropriate to say, that i didn't so much catch up as stop running. I stopped trying to be normal and be like everyone else. I accepted the idea of my duality instead of fighting it. I began to take pride in my secret self, my e suit, and role as lead actress in the movie of the life i am living in the world. In the same vein i feel that it is in vain that i write this, since trying to convey the scope of this idea-making peace with a duality inside yourself and not looking at it as a mental health issue but more like i am somehow blessed with the gift of multiple viewpoints from the same set of eyes.

The essay ends with

"Gravity is much heavier in the past for the present only carries weight in the reflection of old life."

But when do old lives become old lives if we cease to leave them behind and carry them with us on our backs. Do they continue to be our ever expanding present life? Like the onion, gaining layers upon layers but still one whole? Or is it more of a question of what differentiates an old life from a different life we are living simultaneously with our new one? And don't our old lives dictate, or at least help up to make the choices we are faced with in this life?

Where do the lines cross? When do we become our selves, anyway? And when we feel trapped, who is trapping us, and why? When we see ghosts, are they ghosts of our past lives, or just the ghosts of the possibilities of the lives to come?

October Ahoy

2009-10-01T22:33:00.002-04:00

SO i have been inspired by the lovely Steph Law (which is not an uncommon occurrence) to make some goals for the month of October. I like making goals. And i like making lists, so it makes sense.

And it gives me something to do while i'm on imposed hiatus.

1> Call Concordia and set up an appointment for academic advising. This will also include planning a trip to Montreal, so...yay!

2> Stretch everyday after work. I'm always so blissed-out when i remember to do it, so why don't i do it everyday?

3> Draw a little bit. I haven't drawn a single thing since i have moved back home. I just haven't felt inspired in that way, and it saddens me. Maybe if i draw a bit it will make me feel a little more like myself.

4> Make a friend.

5> Explore the town. I might as well, as long as i'm here, na?

6> Take more pictures.

7> Finish the Dark Tower series. Not like it will be hard, these books are blowing my mind.

8> Make more of an effort to get into Washington D.C. on my days off. It isn't all that hard, the train station is like 25 minutes away on the bus and the train takes about 45 minutes, but all of the Smithsonian Institution museums are FREE so i should just go and spend all day there and learn stuff.

Granted these goals may not seem like much, but i am more or less encouraging myself to get out there and enjoy myself instead of sitting around sulking and hiding in the house watching A Christmas Story for the millionth time. Even though it is an awesome movie. I have to live again. Explore. Adventure. Find myself again.

Sing Me To Sleep....

2009-09-30T21:53:00.002-04:00

I am aware that i have allowed this blog to fall by the wayside. Not for lack of interest, or that i have forgotten about it. But more or less, i have gone to sleep. Have you ever felt that there is a part of you that goes into sleep mode, hibernation, or just shuts down for a while, while the other parts of you continue to run on auto-pilot? Get up-have coffee with breakfast-walk to work-work-work-work-walk home-make dinner-clean up-read-tea-fall asleep-repeat. The creative fun parts of me are in hibernation mode. Or maybe i can look at it as 'super recharge mode'! So the next time i am having fun, the sheer force of my happy fun-time zaniness will cause semi-permanent damage to bad vibe production glands and uncontrollable smiling and laughing for everyone in a 10 km radius. The joy will be coming off me in atomic strength waves.

But for now, i am kind of in a lull. So i have started to make a list of 'the best shit'. Things that are my favourite things.

1. Putting on my best outfit and going to the grocery store. (This is ususally how i like to spend a friday or saturday night. ooh baby. ooh ooh baby.)

2. Col'beers. Still an all-time frown fixer.

3. Its getting cool enough to wear my jean jacket. My jean jacket is like a super hero cape, safety blanket, comforter, and space suit all rolled up into one perfectly worn in, awesome piece of clothing.

4. Bedroom dance parties. I like to turn the lights off and just dance around my room like a maniac. Also counts as a cardio work out. This activity frequently spills over into 'bedroom fashion show' where i just put on my most coconut-smashing outfits and dance, dance, dance until i can't dance any more. And then dance a little more.

5. Experimental baking. I have perfected chocolate chip cookies, vegan chocolate cupcakes, spiced pear tea cake, the world's most amazing frosting, and pumpkin zucchini pecan cake. What culinary safari shall i embark on next? Seriously-i welcome ideas and crave challenges.

6. Stretching. Seriously. Turning off the lights putting on some relaxing music and just stretching it all out after work, the weight of the world just lifts away. And, well, being extremely flexible does have its advantages....

7. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on youtube. I have been watching this show since i was about 9 years old and its still hilarious to me. If you like bad sci-fi movies, robots, and glib commentary, you may like this show.

8. Making myself laugh. At work sometimes i will think of something funny enough to make myself giggle. Like cobbling together my own patchwork spanish jibber-jabber that almost makes sense. "tengo gusto de cantar para el queso!" or "I like to sing for cheese!" And then i start laughing about that, and then laughing some more because i have made my self laugh about something so goofy, which makes me laugh even more....it's a viciously hilarious cycle.

9. Losing myself in a good book. Nothing gets you away from a boring reality like really getting into an awesome story. Works every time. And it makes you smarter too!

Trapped in The Because

2009-09-22T00:11:00.004-04:00

The word "because" is defined as 'for the reason that; since...' I feel that i am trapped in the 'because' since i am kind of forced to live here. In northern Virginia. In a suburban town in middle America that i never would have chosen to live in, but am trying my hardest to make the best of. Last week i went to a local bar where they argued over my identification, wether i was 21 or not, wether i was allowed to drink. It was September 11th. They let me buy a beer and i talked with an older man about how i witnessed September 11th. How i was there when the towers fell and the people ran and the smoke was every where. I saw it all happen. That day, after dance class in September of 2001, when i saw the towers come crumbling down. I sat in the local bar, the Downtown Saloon, 2009, and talked with an older man about the whole thing. His name was Don. We talked about the youth of today, the entitlement generation. How young people think that everything is owed to them and that they think that they just deserve everything. He said that i gave him "faith" in my generation because i have the face of a teenager and the heart of a fifty year old man. The faith of a generation is never what i set out to be, but what i have turned out to be while i am here. Because because because. Trapped in the because. Because i refuse to settle for less than what i am. For less than what i am capable of. I am caught in the 'because' of my situation. Because i couldn't move into my own place in Canada because i'm not Canadian because i wasn't accepted into school in the first place, because i have to wait to start school again in january just to come back because because because because

(because of the wonderful things he does)

.....i feel like i am caught between two planes of glass. Between who i really am and who i have to be while living here, with my family. A duality. A double existence within myself of who i really can be and who i must be to survive in my parents' basement.

Because sometime i think i am too young to be so old. Too young to be all that i have been, to see all that i have seen.

Explorations In Photography In A Northern Southern Town

2009-09-12T01:04:00.006-04:00

Tell Me What You Think

2009-09-07T16:26:00.001-04:00

So what do you think of this blog? I am considering some changes to the colours and layouts and such. But i'm also curious to hear what you think about the content and stuff like that. So let me know!

The Fall

2009-09-07T15:50:00.004-04:00

I realize that i miss the turning of the leaves. They don't do that here. It has to do with the sugar content of the soil, and that the further north you travel in North America, the richer the soil is, and the sugar content is higer. The further south you go, the soil is more clay-based. So when the leaves turn, they aren't as bright and beautiful.

It set me to thinking. Where are we going next? Our worlds have changed and we are facing a new future. I am a little sad to see the summer end, it was a real barn-burner, to say the least. Speaking personally, it is one i will never forget in a million years. When i am dusty and grey in my twilight years, it is the memories of this summer past that will bring light to my eyes.

But i am also excited for the future. It has been a long time since it has been so open. Yes, i am starting school again. But this time, it is something completely new. I am moving to a new city. And this move may take place on, or at least very close to, new year's eve. What a way to start the year? But then again it has never really been my 'style' to do anything easy. In fact, i usually find the most difficult route to take, and then march along it defiantly, telling every one along the way to eat it. This is most often accompanied by me laughing in their faces. But i think that doing things the hard way, is sometimes the best way. Because then you can really learn what you are capable of. I never dreamed i would be able to do half the things i can do now. What once seemed so daunting, now is just another fun experiment. An adventure. And i love adventure. Pushing your limits, going beyond your own boundaries, jumping into the very thing that scares you. I have learned to love these moments. The moment you stand and say "ok, self, i know we said we'd do this. We made the promise, the commitment not only to ourself, but to others. Now how are we going to pull it off?"

You get that drop stomach feeling.

The "oh.shit." feeling.

The feeling that the next stepping stone is five miles away and you are in the middle of a stream of hot lava.

I've had a lot of these, recently. I have learned to embrace them. To trust my self and my instincts. To trust, deep down, that i have it in me to survive. Not just survive, but to actually achieve what i desire. Sometimes it is terrifying because it all seems so huge and shapeless. Like climbing a mountain. But when you think about it, a mountain is really just made up of smaller rocks. And when you really really think about it, rocks are just made up of microscopic particles held together by electromagnetic force. So take your mountains one rock at a time, but know that they are climbable.

For when we are old and settled and everything is the same. The sea is calm and the days just run one into the next, we will hunger for the uncertainty and impetuousness of our youth. The excitement of the unknown. Of jumping over the lava. And somehow, landing five miles away, unhurt, ready to take on the next challenge.

Worlds Apart On The Same Continent

2009-09-07T15:39:00.003-04:00

I would like to share a funny story with you. I was walking home from work on saturday (which is my friday because i work tuesday to saturday BUT ANYWAY) It was quite warm, like 95'F/32'C-ish. I decided to treat myself to a soft drink because i am such a rebel here in suburban Northern Virginia. So i stopped into the Mobil gas station to get a coke, and it came to $1.04 so i gave him exact change. He is an older gentle man who looks like the half brother of Santa Claus and Walter Brimley. He looks at me and says

"Um excuse me ma'm" ( i have never been called ma'm before, by the way)

"yes?" i try to sound as sweet as possible.

"This is a Canadian penny"

"So, is it only worth .8 cents?" (this is the first time i've ever tried to be cute and FAILED. Epic fail.)

he looks at me straight in the face, clearly annoyed.

"I don't accept foreign currency."

So now every time i go to this gas station i make sure to pay with all american change.

And one canadian penny.

Eat it gas station santa.

Step Into My Office.....

2009-09-05T17:22:00.004-04:00

So i know that i've been telling you all about work and how i make ridiculous amounts of sweets and treats. Have you ever wanted to get over a love of chocolate? This would do it for you. Most days i end up covered in chocolate. In fact, that is what is in that giant bowl there on the counter. I wanted to stand next to it to give a sense of scale, but i think the mixer to the left does the job. It's pretty big. In case you ever wondered what the batter for 5 11x18 trays of brownies looked like, well, there it is. And now i hate chocolate. And everyone laughs at me and says "oh look at you! you look like a little chocolate elf!" because i inevitably get batter all over the place while i crawl half inside that giant bowl to get out every last drop. Which, if i think about it in a different way, could be mildly erotic. Maybe i'll start doing that at work. Oh-also at work- no one knows i have tattoos, which is interesting because normally i let people know right away. I decided to keep them to myself because i wanted to see if i was treated differently than when people are aware of them. They do, actually. They don't ask me a million questions or touch me or think i'm crazy tough. Its kind of...interesting. And very different. And i feel like its a good ace to have up my sleeve. In a few months or something i'll let it slip and everyone will be all "¡Ay caracoles! Usted es una niña dura!" (oh my snails! you are a tough little girl- which someone has already said to me once when i was lifting something, or something like that. I don't remember exactly what happened, i just remember getting yelled at in Spanish) Also i have come to be known as "master of disaster" around the 'office' because somehow i always end up making the most ridiculous messes. I don't even know how it happens. LIke the other day i tipped over a half-baked tray (which contains 4 loaf pans) of blueberry banana bread while trying to turn it around in the oven. Banana bread batter EVERYWHERE. My boss just kind of looked at me and said "good thing you have the delicious touch". I asked what "having the delicious touch" meant because that, too, sounds pretty erotic. Apparently, even though i make hilarious messes, the actual products themselves turn out perfect tasting and perfect looking, which is really what we are going for. And it's nice to know i am delicious.

Aren't these the sexiest cupcakes you have ever seen? Vanilla cupcake with maple meringue buttercream frosting and toasted pecans on top. My boss ate one and then gave me a raise. Hooray for being delicious.

Every Time i Look Into The Mirror i See Your Face

2009-09-02T19:16:00.007-04:00

as long as there is a 'we' we will always be homefree

Cooking Mama!

2009-08-28T20:58:00.003-04:00

I recently started a new job at a bakery/cafe in Virginia. It reminds me quite a bit of my last job in Toronto in terms of small cafe atmosphere, soup and sandwiches, tasty baked goods, and a tight kitchen. However i had no idea what i was really getting into. In the plus column (which is really all there is right now, i haven't been there long enough to have a minus column yet) i am learning A LOT. Like a lot a lot. However, unlike my other job, i don't have to deal with customers or make the same boring sandwich over and over again. I just hide out in the back at my little table and make delicious food.

An interesting tid bit, though, which you may not be aware of is that everyone who works in the kitchen speaks spanish. In my area there are quite a few South American and Mexican immigrants who work in food service. They work in the kitchen, though because their english isn't that great, so they can't do counter service. This is also why they looked at me like i had six heads when i said i wanted to work in the kitchen. "But you speak english. Why wouldn't you want to be out front?" I hate people. Thats why.

But today i had one of those days. You know, one of those days. By 11 a.m. i had gotten hot coffee in my eye. By 1:30 p.m. my right shoe was full of uncooked lemon square batter. And a bit later the left one had a coating of heavy cream. I learned that you can't put as much liquid as you think you can in the mixer, and that you should always always make sure the floor mixer (the giant mixer used for making batter for 6 cakes at a time) is at the LOWEST setting before you add the dry ingredients. I learned that uncooked pecan pie filling is difficult to get out of your hair and that middle age women will come after you if you are carrying a fresh try of eclairs. I learned that 'huele malo' means 'smells bad' in spanish, and 'sandía' is watermelon. I also learned that slightly warm sweetened condensed milk is a dead ringer for jizz.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

2009-08-27T22:45:00.002-04:00

When did "thank you" become a throw-away phrase? How many times a day do you say "thank you" or "oh thanks" to someone you don't even know who opens a door for you. Or is just manning the counter in a store. We toss it out in passing without even realizing what we are saying half the time. We say it because it is just what one does when one is appreciative of another's presence or actions.

How many times in recent memory have you told some one who is actually very important to you "thank you"? And really meant it. Felt the weight of the words and the curves of the letters in your mouth. Looked them in the eye and annunciated "thank you".

Thank you for being there. For listening to me when i ramble on and on about nothing or everything under the influence or not. Thank you for sticking by me and my crazy ideas, not because you thought they were great but because you love me. Thank you for calling me out of the blue exactly when i needed to hear from you. Thank you for sitting patiently while i screwed up my face trying not to cry and just get the words out. Thank you for laughing at my joke even though it may be the hundredth time you've heard it. Thank you for taking the time to go for a coffee. Thank you for staying up late, even though you have to get up early. Thank you for not judging me when even i think i've gone overboard. Thank you for giving a piece of yourself to me while expecting nothing in return. Than you for letting me sleep on your couch. Thank you for sharing even your last bit. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for being there even when you aren't here. Thank you for your love.

We don't take one another for granted, far from it. I think we just forget how to really thank someone. Therefore, i have developed some simple steps to properly, deeply, and fully thank someone.

As follows:

*step one- look them in the eye

*step two- clear your mind of everything but the gratitude you feel towards this person. Once you start thinking about how much you actually want to thank them-watch out! It can be like a tidal wave when you realize how much they done for you without even trying

*step three-ok. As you may know, i like to touch the faces of people with whom i am exceptionally close. Faces not be your 'thing' but making physical contact is a like completing a circuit. After all-we are all electricity.

*step four-just say "thank you" and think about how much you mean it, and where or who you would be without the influence of this person in your life. Careful-it can be kind of frightening.

And you are done! Now don't you just feel amazing?

And I Didn't Even Know They Were Making Movies About Me

2009-08-15T17:19:00.002-04:00

I googled 'little erin' and found this. Spooky and amazing. Someone find this and watch it and then tell me all about it.

Around Town

2009-08-15T13:09:00.005-04:00

Of Course i Put Live Rounds In My Mouth

2009-08-14T00:03:00.001-04:00

Missing Like Teeth. Teeth Like Tombstones.

2009-08-13T22:42:00.003-04:00

After not having a bathtub for years and years, i have been indulging in relaxing baths. And drinking beer in the bathtub. What a luxury. I was thinking about the good old days. And what that phrase 'the good old days' actually means. I was thinking about closing up the Ab with Shera and Leighann and doing Carmen Electra Strip Aerobics while smoking and drinking beer. About Dutch and i having an epic food fight on shift one day. Eating all the cinnamon hearts. Sharkaphant. Making up stories for the alarm company about how we HAD to stay later for some valid reason. Peeing on the patio. About how i though that job was so rough, but now i would give a good chunk of my savings and most of my material possessions to be back there. Having fun with my friends when things were simpler then, and i just didn't realize. So when did the 'i can't wait for this to be over' turn in to 'i wish i could be there again'? When did the bad days turn into the good old days?

How many times to we have to look back and realize that we took for granted what we had? What can we do to appreciate the moment more? Will we ever really be able to recognize a moment for its true value while its happening, or is it like an antique, gathering posterity and value as it ages and lies gathering dust.

it was so easy then. We just didn't know it.

Maybe it just means we should pay more attention to what we have, and be thankful for the points of light that shine through.

p.s. it is meteor season. get outside and look towards the stars. make wishes. make all your wishes.

Santorini. Probably One Of The Most Beautiful Places On Earth.

2009-08-11T23:54:00.005-04:00

Ok. Admittedly i did not take many pictures on Santorini. And it was one of the most beautiful places i have ever been. Lets just say it is an incentive for you to go see it for yourself. You know that famous photo in all the travel brochures about Greece with the white houses with blue dome roofs and amazing sunsets? That is the town of Oia (pronounced Ee-ah) on the island of Santorini. Santorini is an one of the Cyclades islands and is shaped kind of like a comma. The island of Santorini is all that is left after an enormous volcanic explosion that occurred over 3,000 years ago, wiping out the island's inhabitants at the height of the Minoan civilization. The archaeological site at Akrotiri on Santorini shows evidence of human settlement as far back as the 17th century BC (4th millennium BC). The findings at Akrotiri show it as being a major port of trade during the Bronze Age and also point to its close connections with Crete, Cyprus, Anatolia, Dodecanese on the Greek mainland, and even Egypt and Syria. The artifacts that have been found at Akrotiri have been compared to those found at Pompeii in that they are incredibly well preserved and suggest a far more advanced culture than previously imagined. In fact, the lack of material goods such as jewelry and precious goods, and the lack of corpses in general indicate that the people on the island knew that a volcanic eruption was about to occur, and thus vacated the island. It is also believed that the Minoan Eruption (or the Santorini Eruption) during the second millennium BC may be the basis for the Atlantis legend. It is also one of the largest volcanic events in recorded history. Yikes.

Other interesting things about Santorini-their tomatoes taste like no other tomatoes any where else on earth. This is becasue they are never watered by gardeners and it seldom rains. Because Santorini was created by volcanic activity, the soil is mostly composed of volcanic rock (think light porous rock like pumice). it is so hot and humid in Greece that when it cools at night, condensation forms inside the small pebbles. This in turn, waters the tomato plants. They are the most amazing tomatoes i have ever had. they are like candy. I had tomatoes at every meal and it was amazing. Also, Santorini is famous for their wines. On the island, the winds can be very harsh, so the grape vines do not grow up, like we are accustomed to seeing. However, they are permitted to grow along the ground, forming a basket-like formation. The grapes grow inside this "basket" of vines on the ground and are protected from the sun above by the leaves. This makes grape harvesting a painstaking process. However, Santorini is famous for its wines, so the growers don't mind. Even the fungus (i have to confess i don't remember what it is called) that killed most of the grape vines in Europe and the Americas a number of years ago (i can't remember the exactly, but i'm pretty sure it was more than 50 years ago) did not reach Santorini, so the grapes there are totally unique. We visited a winery and got to try some of the wine. It was amazing. I have a small bottle that i brought back with me. I plan to share it with everyone at my house warming when ever i get to where i am going.

Santorini is also home to some of the best shopping, most beautiful sunsets and amazing beaches i have ever seen. It is not too far from Mykonos, either so we should tack it on to our trip.

A Note About the Last Video Clip. And another Video Clip.

2009-08-08T01:14:00.009-04:00

So i watched the video i posed and realized a few things.

a) it was waaay more awesome than it looks in that clip

b) i didn't really capture the ocean in the background.

So, if you are interested, i posted another short video. It doesn't quite capture the awesomeness of Paradise Beach, but it's pretty close.

Also you can hear my brother in the background saying "this is all they played in Miami..."

Later on in the evening, when we were just standing around waiting the bus from the beach back to the centre of town, some girl came up and started grinding all up on my right leg and singing this song. I didn't know what to do, so i just looked at her and went " um. oh. hi" and then went "oh wait. καληνύχτα [pronounced kalinichtah(phonetic spelling-greek words use a different alphabet)]" (which is greek for 'goodnight' like 'go home, goodbye')and then later on i realized that i think i may have totally insulted the only person in the country of Greece who saw fit to hit on me. I am such an asshole.

Sample Video of Paradise Beach

2009-08-06T23:44:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Mykonos

2009-08-06T23:29:00.007-04:00

This is Mykonos. I think thi was one of my most favourite places in the Greek Isles. Not only is Mykonos the 'jumping off' point for Delos, it is also one of the biggest party centres in Europe. Not only is Mykonos a beautiful island with uniformed white washed buildings and classic architecture, it is well renowned for Paradise Beach. Imagine, if you will having an awesome dance club. On a beach. With no rules. Its almost like Homefree had its own island. Seriously. It was amazing. Beer and music and topless girls in the Aegean. Unfortunately i was there with my parents so it wasn't as amazing. But i fully propose a Montreal-like trip to Mykonos so we can rip it in Greece. And not freeze our asses off. This is the one place i really can't describe in blog form, and will just have to tell you about in person.

Start saving your loonies and toonies. We're going. You'll thank me.

Balls

2009-08-05T10:40:00.002-04:00

This is a giant phallus from Delos. The phallus was a symbol of the god Dionysus, who was the god of wine, good times and rippin' it. The phallus was a sign of good luck and protection. This is because it was seen as the instrument which gives life and makes things grow. So there were penises carved all over stuff on Delos for good luck. This made all the American teenagers on the tour giggle and point and make awful jokes. So i tripped the girl with glasses. She was an idiot and it was awesome.

I love penises.

Delos

2009-08-05T10:06:00.006-04:00

Welcome to Delos. A small island near Mykonos,and part of the cyclades, a ring of islands formed by earthquakes and underwater volcanoes. It is believed that Delos supported between 25,000 and 30,000 since evidence of habitation was found dating back to the 3rd millennium BC.

Delos was considered to be one of the most important religious, cultural centres of the ancient world. Delos was also thought to be the birthplace of Apollo and his twin sister Artemis. According to mythology, Zeus was quite the lothario. Although he was technically married to Hera he did lots of chicks. One of these ladies, Leto became pregnant. Leto travelled around Greece looking for a place to safely birth her children, but no where would take her, for fear of angering the goddess Hera. Finally she came to the then uninhabited island of Delos, where Apollo (god of the sun, truth, prophecy,music, poetry, the arts and lots of other good stuff) and light) and his twin sister Artemis(goddess of the moon, fertility, and the hunt). And to this day, Delos has more sunny days a year than any other place on earth.

Because of this Delos was a very spiritual place, and no one was to be born, die or be buried on the island. All women close to child birth or those close to death were sent to a near by island to take care of the business of being born or dying. Lovely.

Delos was kind of a 'summer vacation' island for many wealthy merchants and such, hence the large, well decorated homes. Many of the houses still have painted walls and beautifully detailed mosaic floors. Also on Delos is a spectacular theatre. Theatre was very important to the ancient Greeks, but was only preformed once a year. In fact, going to the theatre was so important to the Greeks that those who could not afford to go were paid a stipend, the amount in wages that they would loose to go to the theatre, in order to go. Delos was also home to many other temples, such as the Temple of Isis (the Egyptian goddess of motherhood and fertility) ad one of the worlds oldest Synagogues. The ancient Greeks were exceptionally open minded and accepting of all religions and beliefs as equal. This also points to evidence of extensive trade and travel.

In 1990 Delos was inscribed by UNESCO as a world heritage site because of the extent of its preservation. Today only one seventh of Delos is preserved above ground, due to the seismic activity in the cyclades.

I could go on. And on and on. Delos is one of the most beautiful and captivating places i have ever been in my whole life. To feel the magnanimity of history, to see the achievements of a people that i've only read about in books. It takes my breath away.

Eye Hate Americerin

2009-08-03T20:35:00.003-04:00

It has almost been a month since i have left Toronto and it feels like a different lifetime. Almost as if i am on the opposite side of a looking glass, or trapped under the ice of a frozen pond looking out. I look the same in the mirror, but something has changed. Behind my face. I would say behind my smile, but the truth is i don't smile too much any more. Not the real kind that come from the bottom of your feet and out the ends of your hair. More or less the kind of smiles that say "oh hi. yes i am normal. what you are saying is very interesting to me" (which it isn't)or "yes i can see your point of view and agree completely" (which i don't).

Maybe it is because i don't laugh anymore. Really. Except at funny movies. Sometimes. Sometimes in spite of myself when i am alone in my room. Because i don't want to just sit around being sad, but it is tough. I am trying. It feels like scraping lichens off a stone to make a meal.

And i've always been the type to say you make yourself happy. But myself can just go shut the fuck up right about now.

I need to go to a show. Somewhere the music is loud and the beer is cheap. I need to be where everyone dances and sweats all over each other. Where exhilaration radiates is contagious. I need to hear good music and the laughter of my friends. I need to be irresponsible and light and feel like i am fun again. I need to smile without making an effort and hold hands with you.

I need to see your face smiling at me again.

Oracle at Delphi

2009-08-03T16:40:00.002-04:00

These are from the Oracle at Delphi, on the mainland of Greece. The ancients were given instructions to loose two doves in opposite directions, and where they would meet would be the centre of the earth. They met at Delphi. Delphi was the centre for religious practice on mainland Greece. Pilgrims would come from all over to ask the Oracle for guidance on issues such as farming and crops, relations with other nations and governments, even marriage and romance. The buildings at Delphi include the Temple of Apollo (shown; Delphi was also the home base for the Cult of Apollo), The Treasury of the Siphnians and the Treasury of Athens (where persons of these cities made offerings to Apollo), a stadium, a theatre, a marketplace, and many other buildings. Basically, it was amazing. I kind of had to run through because we were on a guided tour, and time was an issue, but it was awesome to see not only the buildings, but the view from the side of the mountain.

Me and Uncle Jim

2009-08-03T14:12:00.003-04:00

Because in America we like to show our support any way we can.

Uncle Jim is my favourite relative. We hang out every evening, and sometimes right after lunch.

More Photos From Athens, and a Note About the Food

2009-08-02T22:00:00.007-04:00

The food in Greece is absolutely amazing. Because water is limited, and on most of the islands, undrinkable, people 'eat' their water. At every meal is fresh tomatoes and cucumbers with olive oil and feta cheese. And wine. Good lord, the wine is amazing. Also, watermelon is really big over there. You can get them for like 50 cents a pound. And they are the best tasting watermelons i have ever had in my whole life. The Greeks also love fish and lamb and make the most amazing yogurt on the planet. I don't even like dairy and i'm saying that. I had this fresh yogurt and candied fig dessert with honey - it was so good i can still taste it.

Athens

2009-08-02T21:44:00.003-04:00

Our first stop is Athens, named after the Greek Goddess Athena. As mythology has said, the people of athens were to chose which god or goddess would be the protector of the city. It came down to Athena, goddess of wisdom and knowledge, and Posideon, god of the sea. The people decided that which ever of these two gave them the best gift would be named patron and guardian of the city. Posideon gave the gift of the sea, but Athena gave the gift of the olive tree. The olive tree grew and was prosperous enough to become many useful things, and the people chose Athena as their patron goddess. That is why the city is called Athens.

Athens was one of the most amazing, interesting and crowded places i have ever seen in my life. Considering that the population of all of Greece is eleven million people, and five million of those people live in Athens....well...its tight. What stuck me the most was the juxtaposition of the old and new. A modern shopping square with a three thousand year old church in the middle. A satellite dish on the side of a house that is older than the most of the United States. Things like that.

The very first thing i went to see was the Acropolis, because i am such a history nerd. And i almost peed my pants. It was that exciting. To have studied these buildings for so long in school and admired them, based solely on what i heard about them and the same tiny grainy photo that is displayed in every history book. To be there. And see them. And stand where the ancients once stood and see what they accomplished that is still standing today. It took my breath away. It was so hard not to touch everything, because that is my favourite thing to do. You get arrested if you touch stuff. Its like putting a starving fat kid in a room full of poison cupcakes. Cruel, but necessary.

Grecian Formula

2009-07-30T16:31:00.002-04:00

So i am back safe and sound. And probably more tan than you. Greece was a life changing experience to say the very least. I visited 4 cities in 9 days; Athens, Mykonos, Santorini, and Crete. I ate a lot of vegetables and olive oil. I saw some old stuff. I saw some new stuff. I saw a lot of goats. In order to adequately describe this trip, i will make separate posts describing each city over the next few days. However, i have to go help my sister move, so there might be a big gap in entries. Deal with it.

If My Plane Should Go Down.....

2009-07-20T00:24:00.003-04:00

I leave for Greece on monday. If my plane should crash or our boat sinks, or i get kidnapped by the cult of Apollo or for some reason i don't come back, know this. I love you. And i will come back as a ghost to watch you pee.

Please listen to NOFX "Falling In Love"- So Long And Thanks For All The Shoes for refrence

America America, God Shed his Grace On Thee

2009-07-18T23:39:00.004-04:00

I found this "cultural smart card" about Afghanistan. Cultural do's and don'ts, religious factions, and common weapons, oh my!

The Things i Like About Northern Virginia

2009-07-18T21:20:00.006-04:00

So i have found some things to like about Virginia. These photos were taken at the park about 3 blocks from my house. I decided it would be interesting to make some gin & ginger to go, and take a walk. While walking through the park, i spotted some deer roaming the hills. I got pretty close to them, since i have no body odour. And all they could smell was the gin and that probably confused them quite a bit. I don't have any photos of the deer because it was dark and the flash would spook them. And then i got drunk and climbed a tree. R & B forever!!!! Oh, and those horses are like 2 minutes away from my house. I was walking by and was all "hey....horses. What's up horse? You are do close to my house. I just can't believe it."

SO things to like about Virginia:

Quiet

Horses

Park real close to my house

Fireflies

Climbing trees while jrunk

Deer. Lots of deer.

Show and Tell

2009-07-18T21:15:00.004-04:00

Look closely- these photos were taken at the local 24 hour Rite Aid drug store. Yes. Those are folding strollers in the background behind the beer. And the Just For Men is just one isle over from the wine. God bless America.

Just Put On Your Prom Dress

2009-07-18T18:49:00.003-04:00

and dance with me

A Note on Cultural Assimilation

2009-07-18T18:15:00.002-04:00

As i have mentioned before, i am still the President of Unemployment, and am having trouble finding ways to keep busy. So what can i do to feel more at home in America? I feel like i should turn on every appliance in the house, open up the faucets to hot full blast, and leave the fridge open. Then get in an SUV and drive around the block in fourth gear while throwing food out the window while blasting Toby Keith records. What? Thats not what they do here?

Oh- and its all about texas hair. Cause you aren't anyone until your hair looks like you're hiding dinner rolls in it.

https://www.bumpits.com/

Jobs I Would Be Exceptionally Good At (just in case any one is hiring)

2009-07-18T00:20:00.002-04:00

So this is the longest i've ever been unemployed. And unlike most young-ish people, i love to work. I really do. I think because i have an absurd amount of energy, and over active imagination and don't like to nap. So i have been thinking about my dream job, what i would really excel at, i mean where my talents would really shine. And i have compiled a list. In alphabetical order.

*actress - i'm real good at faking stuff. I'd say "just ask so-and-so" but i'm so good at acting they still don't know that i was faking it.

*archaeologist - this is the job i actually want. I love libraries, science, digging holes, and looking for stuff.

*baketress - ok, i invented that word. But i love to bake. Especially cakes. Especially custom cakes. Like if you said "make me a naked lady torso" or "make a giant porcupine driving a speed boat on mars" I would find a way to make a cake out of that.

*beej instructor - well, maybe not. I wouldn't want everyone to know my secrets.

*cartoon voice - really, listen to me. When i answer the phone the bank still asks to talk to my mom.

*children's book illustrator - i don't really have to elaborate on this one. i like to draw funny pictures.

*drink inventor - because i am pretty sure i've tasted every alcohol. And i know the good ones. And more importantly i know the ones with the highest percentage of alcohol that taste like delicious. I will get your girlfriend drunk enough to let you put it in her butt, but not so drunk that she pukes on your pillow.

*elf - I am small, cute, and have a cartoon voice. And i love toys. And Christmas time. And snow.

*jail bait - the people who go after pedophiles never really look like teenagers, anyway. i would OWN that occupation. if they gave out Oscars for catching pedophiles i would be the Katharine Hepburn of pedophile catchers.

*life coach - i have no qualms about being completely honest to your face. All the time. I really like to make people happy by helping them be the best them they can be. Not joking on this one. I like to help people learn how to make themselves happy.

*travel show host - I will try any food, sleep any where (not in a promiscuous way, in a jungle hammock way), i love to fly and be on boats and never get motion sick, even when reading a map. I handle both the heat and the cold very well, pick up languages easily, and am interested in everything. And i am not scared of anything, either.

The Multi-Million Dollar Question

2009-07-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

how long can you live with people who's answer to everything is "shoot them"?

How To Feel Better No Matter What When You Are Totally Alone (a cumulative list in no particular order of importance)

2009-07-16T21:14:00.007-04:00

*christmas movies

*non-cheap booze-not particularly expensive booze,just not the cheapest you can find

*cupcakes-especially if you make them yourself

*dance parties-even if you're by yourself

*laying down in the shower-if you want to take this a step further, have Hawai'i in your bathroom. get it really steamy, put on your bathing suit and make yourself a fruity drink. this can be up- graded to Jamaica if you have a good hook-up in your town. if anyone complains about you tying up the facilities tell them to go pee in the sink. or take a shit on the side of a house.

*take a shit on the side of someone else's house.

*a long walk

*a really good story

*cartoons

*nude roller skating

*throwing ceramic dishes against a brick wall

*go out and be really really nice to someone who probably got shit on all day-like a gas station employee or a postal worker. they appreciate it and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. that could also be the booze.

*write a love letter to someone

*look at pictures of yourself when you were a kid

*make an 'ultimate sandwich' the most ridiculous, indulgent delicious sandwich you can dream up. ex: two slices of cinnamon raisin bread, toasted; with peanut butter, strawberry jam, raspberry jam, nutella, honey nut cheerios, potato chips and crushed walnuts. scrumptious.

*play 'jenga' but with all of your belongings.

*call a friend

A light at the end of the chunnel

2009-07-14T15:00:00.003-04:00

I have been on a mission for the past 6 or 7 years. To find the up side of every situation. If there is an down side, there must be an upside. Its science. Or something. Sometimes you have to dig, to scratch, to try to get blood from a stone, but you can find it. Like a diamond in a dirt pile. It maybe small and inconsequential. But it is there. And the more you look for the up sides, the easier you will find them. Even on your worst day, you can choke out one good thing. And then turn around and shout back "See! You can't beat me! Throw your worst at me and i will turn it around, find the good and then rub your face in it. And smile the whole time. Jerkoff."

Today i bought beer in the grocery store. Between the cheese and the frozen entrees. And it's all mine. And i'm going to drink it in the bath tub while reading comic books and laugh and laugh. And laugh.

Cause you can't beat me.

But i had to make it look like SteamWhistle to pull a little psychosomatic trick on myself. GollyGee.

i would like to make one thing clear

2009-07-14T00:31:00.003-04:00

I have posted pictures of myself horsing around with some heavy duty, deadly fire arms. This is done in jest only, and i want to make it crystal clear that i would never use a gun to intimidate,impress or harm anyone. ever. Not even to make them pee their pants. Not even a little. The purpose of these photos is to illustrate how accessible and accepted fire power is in America. Not only is it accepted, but it is sought after. Like how some people collect baseball cards or thimbles or Hummel figurines. It is another one of those piquant cultural differences that just boggles my mind to pieces. I in no way condone the use or abuse of firearms in any way.

2009-07-14T00:29:00.000-04:00

pewm pewm motherfuckers

2009-07-14T00:27:00.002-04:00

I can't tell you who these belong to, or where i am, because you need special military clearance to have them. But Jesus and i want you to know we love our country (special thanks to Flu for the rosary)

2009-07-12T23:24:00.005-04:00

Yes, you are seeing correctly- that is a chia Obama. And the fireworks sign has a jellybean sign under it. The roadside veggie stand wants you to know their stance on Asians (they want you to think the sign is only about the crabs, but we know the score). The 'we support our troops' and 'Uncle Sam wants you to speak english' are taken from the local bar i have been going to for $3.75 pints of Bud. Yes i said Bud. It is the best thing they have on tap. I would kill a handicapped child for a Steamwhistle right about now.

Or at least rough one up real bad.

2009-07-12T23:21:00.006-04:00

The Great American Adventure

2009-07-12T22:53:00.003-04:00

Its been a while since i have updated this here blog, but a lot of things have happened. I have been State-side foe exactly one week and it feels like an eternity. Like jumping into a cold pool without being sure if you could swim or not, and because it has been a really long time since you even near this particular body of water. I have been taking an 'observe and report' point of view towards this whole situation and here is what i have collected so far:

1. Americans are obsessed with anything anti-bacterial. Soap. Toys. Countertops. everything. It's border-line absurd.

2. An American small equals an Canadian medium. An American medium equals a Canadian large, and so on. I really have to stop ordering medium coffees, or else heart failure will be imminent.

3. In Canada, when people would guess my age, they would usually guess 21, 23, or something like that. Here, everyone thinks i am 16 or 17. Not because i am particularly young looking, but American girls are haggard whores at a younger age. So, you know. Works for me. Except that everyone thinks that i am my brother's really young girlfriend. That's a little weird.

4. It seems like everyone in America is diabetic. This is noticeable partially because drug advertisements are permitted in print and on television (they aren't in Canada) and every other drug advertisement is for diabetes, high blood pressure or weight control. And everyone here is fat.

5. Americans think it is odd that Canadians put mayo on their fries. Americans put mayo on everything, they just think its fancier because they mix barbeque sauce or some other sauce into the mayo to make it 'gourmet'. Stop trying to fool yourselves. Its still mayo. You are still gross and fat. Just saying.

More observations to follow, this is just a preliminary assessment.

Obviously this is a big adjustment for me, and not an all together welcome one. But i am trying to handle it the very best i can. I am a firm believer in the 'everything happens for a reason' philosophy. Even though i may not have chosen to move back to America, into my parents basement, i have to make the best of it. When i left America six years ago, i was sad and angry. My best friend had just been killed, i broke off my engagement with my fiance and i was confused, directionless, and angry. Maybe i had to come back here and fix my relationship with my home land before moving on. Maybe that is why i wasn't getting anywhere in Canada. I had to fix the internal problems before moving forward. Who can really say, but thinking that way certainly helps. I have to think positively. To be honest, i feel so isolated and lonely, that if i don't create these few shining diamond chips of happy thoughts for myself, i will be consumed by my overwhelming feelings of isolation, loneliness, segregation, and just all around ickyness.

Is up to me to make myself happy now. I don't have my friends around. I can't escape to homefree or some familiar bar to drown my sorrows. Its all on me.

I also included some photos of the great american adventure so far-enjoy the alien landscape!

and a note on public urination

2009-06-23T02:30:00.004-04:00

As you may have noticed, as one who does use, has used in the past, or may use public transit in the future, there are not a whole lot of rest stops. Especially when one has to go from Keel and Finch, to Finch Station only to find that *surprise! Finch has no Trains!* so back to Keele and Finch to wait for a bus to take one down to the closest avaliable point to one's domicile near Keele and Bloor (for those unfamiliar with Toronto geography its 6.3 km due west, to find out - gasp!-no trains, go back 6.3 km east to catch a bus that goes 17.1 km south to get off and then walk 1.1 km east to my house) And really, after a few pints of beer, that is a long trip. I found myself wondering, almost outloud, "Why aren't i a guy! I could just whip it out and turn away from the street! I could pretend i was checking my phone and just relieve my self on the side of any building i choose! And i would choose the worst ones!" So i walked fast. Those passing on the street may have thought i was qualifying for olympic speed walking. Event hough that is the lamest sport ever made. Even after biathalon and ballroom dancing. I couldn't take it anymore. At the entrance to a street near my house there is a pit being dug for condos. The pit has been in the process of being dug for about two years, with big obnoxious signs blocking it off. The signs are from some other cookie-cutter cash grab condo scheme. More of the same. Doesn't matter, it's not even Toronto anymore anyway. A cherry picker parked out front. Empty street. And so i christened the machinery. Take that developers. i am still smiling. Go ahead. I peed on that.

public transit anecdote

2009-06-22T19:38:00.000-04:00

A beautious monday afternoon and we were riding the subway back to the house. And of course, anything done after being in the Eaton Centre seems ten times more irritating that it actually may be. We get on the subway car. A class of grade sevens gets on the car. Usually i can stomach these organims as long as they keep their distance. But one did not. He was swinging around on the pole trying to impress a girl who looked like she needed to eat a sandwich and was definately too young to be dressed like a stripper on her day off. Complete with knnock-off Coach purse. At first we said "heeeey buddy - mind watching the elbow there?" the gentleman i was with remarked this as the child's elbow grazed his face. Ha ha. And he just kept swinging. Looking much like a overweight, shaved chimp left alone for a day in West 49. And then he fell into the gentleman's lap. Nw i'm not one to stir the pot, but really this was rediculous. So i gathered my ladylike sensibilities and growled at him "oy. fucking kid. sit down." He sat so fast i felt it. As we left the train, the grade sevens followed me with 15 sets of little eyes. So i turned and said "what" followed by a menacing chest-bump threatening advance. Fuck you kids.

1

2009-06-18T10:26:00.000-04:00

I keep saying, or more appropriately had said before "I am going to start blogging so all my friends can see what i'm up to while travelling." This is usually remaked when (slightly?) intoxicated or maybe strung out on frustration and too much Mr. Noodle. You know that feeling when you just want to give up and say "Oh come on! Fine. I'm going to go blow something up." I am there dangling over that precipice by one tired hand. Thinking about dropping. Good thing i'm too stubborn and spiteful to give up. So as a pressure release saftey valve emergency evacuation everybody out get moving and start the bucket brigade because we have to get this under control before there are casualties, i'm going to write. I'm going to sit here and write. Sometimes a stream of consciousness. Maybe a well-worded formal letter or a shopping list of super hero attributes i would like to aquire through radio active fall out. But it will be extrapolated from the concentrated electrical ooze of thought in the braincase, and pumped into the tip top typing fingers. Like a hyper-intelligent hydrolic fluid.
I've been trying my hardest to stay in Canada. After i graduated i spent about a year and a half jumping through hoops to apply for permanent residency. Everyone said i was crazy to do it without a lawer, but i did it anyway. I did it all, filed all the paperwork, wrote the letters, everything that is or was me and backed it up ith an official document. Notarized and stamped in triplicate. I was so proud of accomplishing.......refused. I applied for the wrong class of worker. I tried to stay here. I applied to McGill having already graduated from an acclaimed Canadian university, I thought my chances were pretty good....refused. Missin prerequisite. They did throw me a bone for one week and made me think that if i sent them my SUNY Purchase transcripts and a summary of my activities for the past 2 years there might be a chance.....refused. Llimited space avaliable. Ring ring hi can i be put on a waiting list....refused. You don't request to be put on a waiting list. You are or you aren't. So i just can't come then? No i'm sorry you have to fill out another application form. Just some paper. All i am is just some more paperwork. paper doll. paper house. paper moon.
To have your whole life, every thing that you have accomplished, worked for condensed revised filed. Surely this must mean something for i have worked so hard. And then someone you never met. Who knows nothing about you. Picks up this file and says..............refused.
Now little more that a paper doll, i used to be 3d. Puffed up with hope and optimism for the future. A paper doll to be put with the rest of the paperwork. Its too bothersome to read it all. Just use the refused stamp. Stamp and file away.
So i have to move back to America. And live in my parents basement. In Virginia. My brother said he can get me a job at the Wal-Mart. I don't know if i'm qualified enough, though, after all i have been living in Canada for six years. I might be considered slow by their standards.
My mom suggested community college.
Which made me think
A few weeks ago, while walking around near a creek, i stepped on a stick and it went pretty far into the bottom of my foot. I pulled it out. It hurt but i figured i was all right. The occasional whisper of "pssst you don't have insurance and the last tetnus shot you had was in grade school" had escalated to a dull roar. But i seemd fine over the next few days and went on with my life..or so i thought. Then everything seemed to turn to shit and nothing worked out. Refused from school. You can work with me at Wal-Mart. Why not move in with your younger sister - she just bought a house! Community college. America. Refused. Refused.
I think i died that day and now i am in hell.